The Way it Should Have Been

2002-07-12T02:22:00.001-04:00

I've been trying to think about what happiness is, since it's so central to my ethics. I guess i would say happiness is taking pleasure in life. I know it possible to do this even when you're suffering alot.

I guess that's all for tonight. I've been searching for some interesting theosophy or mystical books and sites, but haven't found anything I'm really interested in as of yet. I'll keep you posted. Good stuff for pagans is a bit difficult to find.

I would like to note that though I consider myself a pagan I do not consider myself a witch. My true classification is left up to you, as I really don't know what mine is. I would guess that it might be something like apprentice.

See ya.

2002-07-12T02:22:00.000-04:00

2002-07-11T00:07:00.000-04:00

I got an earthlink account, so I can now blog from the safety of my own home. This rules! Too bad my screen resolution sucks. I thought about my "if you're happy you're right, if you're unhappy you're wrong" ethics and I think it works pretty well. Sure there are things we have no control of that cause us suffering. I'm not saying that you cause all the suffering in your life. (You probably cause alot of it though.) But there are very joyful people that suffer a whole lot. We've all met them, or at least heard about them, and they're the people that everyone wants to be around. This is because everyone suffers, everyone has many things to be unhappy about, but damn it if some people aren't happy anyway. That's the basics for me of ethics. If you're happy then you can continue doing whatever you damn well want to. Please allow me to do the same.

Of course there are the happy criminals that Nietzsche talks about. But guess what? I've never met one. I've met criminals with a certain level of contentment (despicable people) but never a happy one. I shouldn't say they're all despicable. Most of them are though.

Actually, I think that doing wrong is something you can be content with, but living by wrong usually causes a lot of physical, mental and spiritual suffering.

Lastly, DO YOU THINK THEY ARE GOING TO PROSECUTE ALL THE CORPORATE FELONS WHO JUST GOT CAUGHT ?!

I didn't think so. Neither do I.

2002-07-08T14:55:00.000-04:00

Had a really weird day yesterday. I went to a religious science chruch, which was a bit airy-fairy but had a good philosophy and great people. I am planning to go again. Also wrote some great theosophical stuff, then the lights went out at the coffee shop. I am trying to get my template right. Apparently there is something wrong with the server, so I have been tinkering with it. I also lost my whole template for a couple of days, so the last post will finally get published. Oh and I got a Gemini lighter. Bic is making astrological lighters now, and they rock. I promise I'll get to ethics, (I know you can't wait) but today I don't feel like writing a long post. See yesterday's post for some axiology. (that's the philosophy of value of which ethics is a part.) See you around. You could WRITE ME! you know. I know you won't but...

2002-07-05T18:35:00.000-04:00

I had a little revelation at Sitwell's coffee shop (in Cincinnati) the other night, and I think I may have passed up nihilism a little too quickly. Actually it's a good place to start with ethics too.

I think it's preposterous to say science is completely false, at least so far as it's applications work. However, I am wondering if this isn't true : with reason alone no value judgment can be made that is true.

Take for example my love of Busta Rhymes songs. Some people hate his music,some people love it and some are indifferent. But whether they like it or not makes no difference with reason alone. We could make value judgments about his sexualization of women or the violence in his music. Rationally though, these are just furthur value judgments. I could also argue about rap, how it has conventions, uses poetic license and metaphor, how it requires a great deal of skill. But if I don't value skill and the techniques of poetry (rap is poetry) then I have no reason to prefer it.

So the nihilism that keeps me awake at night is the nihilism of value. Think about it too long and you're in for a shock. What guides me through this stuff is that I still value happiness and want to obtain it. That allows me to take on other beliefs, for the sake of happiness alone, which please me. My belief system is fairly fluid, as you'll see if you start reading any quantity of this page, but happiness and my desire for it keep me going when nothing else will.

Lastly, I read Rudolf Steiner's Theosophy this week and loved it. It has helped me form some more of my own beliefs, which if they hold up to scrutiny I will talk about later. His other books seem kind of silly ( moon beings and such) and I've never been that into Rosicrucianism, but Theosophy itself really meant alot to me. Take your time with all this.

2002-06-26T18:39:00.000-04:00

Frances Fukyama said that history is over, because the most advanced form of government (democracy) has no serious contenders. This is probably true. However, I also think it is true that as a collective, humanity's life has passed by, in the sense that the real accomplishments we could have made never will be accomplished. Thus the title of the website. I thought of it based on popular music. There's a lot of wisdom in popular music. Like relax, it's all been done before. A paraphrase. So here's to Incubus and all the others that have been idolized by the generation which follows me. I'm really not the focus of popular music anymore, as I'm twenty-four. Well I better get going. Take care.

2002-06-24T20:22:00.000-04:00

Let's see. Just had a forty minute conversation with some guy I don't know. He was pretty cool, a frustrated writer, very well read. Well, that's really all. I'm not feeling like philosophizing today. Will be around later in the week, and will find something to talk about. Hang in there. I am.

2002-06-19T18:43:00.000-04:00

Okay. Finished Nietzsche and finally understood what the book is about. Which is master and slave and the need to combat nihilism. It was okay. Reading The New Organon by Francis Bacon. It's all about how to help science progress through the use of induction. It's fairly farsighted really. Other than some of the Elizabethan science that he did believe.

I forgot to tell you what empiricism is: it's the belief that all knowledge comes from the senses. Considering that sense experience is useless without some basic principles to guide it, I really feel like empiricism holds little water. (Once again my lack of time and education leads me to attack a straw man.) Most empircists are skeptics, except the Randites. However most Randites hold empiricism as a point of faith rather than a philosophical position.

As for the rest of epistemology, let me say that the presence offirst principles, along with good deduction and induction, does not lead to Truth with a capitol T. You may find that a first principle needs to be amended or thrown out entirely. New axioms may need to be added. You're knowledge is necessarily incomplete, and therefore fallible. That doesn't mean you won't discover theories and applications, just that Absolute Knowledge is better left for God, not you. If you believe in God.

That's the end of that discussion. Next up applied and metaethics. This is really the place where I have the most difficulty in philosophy. It also is the most important in life. Talk at you later.

2002-06-16T14:05:00.000-04:00

Well, let's see. I'm a little over half through Beyond Good and Evil and I'm gofing around with Amazon. I just met some guy the other day, and we're passing emails. He's into the Fourth Way. We'll see how our correspondence goes. I'm waiting for my dad to get home for Father's Day. Father's day is going about as well as Mother's Day. So I haven't really finished epistemology. I'll probably talk about that more tomorrow.

2002-06-13T16:23:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile. Found two beautiful books: The Iliad and The Odyssey translated by Pope, 1943 and 1942 editions (respectively) both in good condition. The one does have a cheap sticker bookplate in it (ugh!) but I did get both for $26 dollars, so who can complain?

Reading Beyond Good and Evil again, trying to use How to Read A Book's guidelines. I'm having trouble getting through it again. I'm surprised at how wrong Nietzsche is, how very black and white. His problem seems to be that he associates the fallibility with knowledge as making nihliism correct. He then goes on to say that life requires error, I assume because he feels that nihilism means death. It's an interesting thesis but a flawed one.

I think that fallibility only implies subjectivity of some knowledge, not nihilism. Write me if you know how to get that plate out of that book.

2002-06-04T21:52:00.000-04:00

Well I'm back. Do you ever wonder why bloggers (like me) blog when they have nothing to say? I am actually talking about the previous post, although I realize that the statement has a somewhat wider application than that.
Well I thought we'd start with epistemology today. First off, I have to give the disclaimer that I am not familiar with all the ins and outs of modern epistemology. Metaphysics has hardly changed since Aristotle and Plato but epistemology is very in vogue. Some of the modern arguments I have read are fiendishly difficult.
What epistemology is: a theory of knowledge. So the question is "What does it mean to know something?" First off we have to make a distinction between knowing and believing. You can be wrong in a belief, but if you actually know something, then you're right. Make sense? (This is only true however if you're not a Nietzschean. If you are then you say something along the lines that truth is provisional and results from error. In other words it could be true to a greater or lesser degree in a certain situation. Actually Nietzsche may be right.) For simplicity's sake let's assume that's true.
Now the question is:"How do we know we're right?" Well if Aristotle is right then we have our first principles which are simply true. These are called axioms in math and logic. (Take good care figuring out what your first principles are. Bad axioms produce bad results.) Then you have truths which are true because you sense them as true. You see, touch, smell, taste, hear and feel them as true. (It is not a given that all sense information is true, especially if you're experiencing psychosis.) This produces the idea that everything is true that you sense as true, as well as that which is self-evident. This is called evidentialism. Most philosophy today is evidentialist, at least at the university level. This is a good working philosophy, although you may have noted that I have some ambivalence about it. I think there is also a good deal of empiricism today, both among Randites and paradoxically, the existentialists. I may be misrepresenting the existentialist argument. So that's where I stand.
I will talk a little more about Nietzsche's epistemology, which is also fiendishly difficult, tomorrow.

2002-05-30T23:28:00.000-04:00

I am in Tennessee seeing a friend, using his really cool computer. Well, I don't feel much like talking. I'm going to chill out. See ya.

2002-05-26T18:19:00.000-04:00

I've been reading book lists on the internet, and have found more books than I'll be able to read this year. Here is a list of my favorite books.They are not necessarily in order of favor.
1.Old Man and the Sea Ernest Hemingway This book is so beautiful I can't put it into words.
2. Neverending Story Michael Ende Like a long dream with a plot. That and more.
3.Heart of Darkness Joseph Conrad Philosophical, indirect, and also beautiful.
4.A Clockwork OrangeAnthony BurgessUgly, philosophical and true.
5.Poems Seven Alan Dugan My favorite poet besides Shakespeare.
6. 1984 George Orwell This book rings true today.
7. The Republic Plato I hate to beat a dead horse, but this is really an important book.
8. Beyond Good and Evil Friedrich Nietzsche Just read this. It will piss you off, touch you, and make you think.
9.Brideshead Revisited Evelyn Waugh Catholic and still excellent.
10. Thoughts in Solitude Thomas Merton Not all of this is good, but some of it is great.
11. A Beautiful Mind Sylvia Nasar Will teach you about math, life, illness, and people.
12. Einstein's Dreams Alan Lightman Deep and enjoyable.
I can't think of any more books that are as good, so I'll stop. All of these books have changed my life. They are also fun to read. That's all for today.

2002-05-26T16:57:00.000-04:00

Whoops. I confused blogger. I tried to link Kins Collins reading list at bayarea.net and I screwed something up. I can't even edit or delete the problem. Check out the list under reading lists at www.miskatonic.org. It's a personal webpage.

Figured it out. Never used safe mode before. The link is not html but you can cut and paste. I'm working on my html code, but I suck at it.

2002-05-25T21:53:00.000-04:00

Free will is simple: ordained by God. I would go with something like agency theory, where each individual will is uncaused, but capable of starting new chains of cause and effect. In this sense I mix determinism and indeterminism. The last part of metaphysics is related. There are things which are uncaused and these are the basis for what is caused. There are many names for the causeless. We'll start on epistemology soon. Check out www.bayarea.net/~kins/AboutMe/books.html. It's awesome.

2002-05-23T15:55:00.000-04:00

So determinism and indeterminism.Determinism is the idea that everything has a cause. If that's so, then it follows that your choices are determined. The only other option for a materialist is indeterminism, which says that there is no cause and effect. Since one takes out free will, and the other doesn't fit with our observations, neither is so great. I would say the best view for someone who believes only in the material world is a determinism, where we feel we have free will but don't. This is not a problem for a theist, but there are other problems with the idea of free will for theists. It doesn't follow that just because there are strong critiques of monism, that dualism is true. But it does show you some of the things you'll have to contend with.

2002-05-21T21:35:00.000-04:00

I realized while poking around yesterday that the majority of pluralists are relativists. Which kind of disappointed me, because all of this 'everything is true', 'nothing is real' and "you can't know anything' stuff is a complete bore. It goes without saying that we know enough to solve all kinds of problems. I mean do relativists drive to work? If they do, they should wonder how there car gets there. And if that's too much for them, they could take a science class.
On to better topics.
It seems like dualism is only popular with theists like me. I guess I can understand that. I've looked around for a coherent modern defender, and I haven't found anybody but a parapsychologist and some bible thumpers. I guess the best I can tell you is try Plato. Have I said this before? Also I understand why most intelligent people are materialists. (that means there is only one substance, and that's material) I mean it makes sense. The problem you get into with materialism is determinism and indeterminism. I'll talk about those tomorrow, as I've gone on long enough today.

2002-05-20T11:46:00.000-04:00

Okay. To continue the monologue on metaphysics let's look at the dialectic. The dialectic is the idea that opposing things create a third thing which then creates it's opposite and so on, usually until some perfect thing is created. First of all monism can be dialectical. Hegel who came up with it (based on Plato) was an idealist who believed only in spirit. Marx, who used it for his own purposes, was a materialist who believed only in matter. I can also imagine a type of pluralism that is dialectical, where opposing substances created new ones and so forth. However, dualism can not be dialectical, at least not in a Hegelian sense. If there was a dialectic between two substances that would create a third substance, and there dualism would end. The pluralist idea is kind of cool. However, I stand by dualism because it is simpler and makes more sense to me. I will contrast dualism and pluralism after some research. Therefore, as far as the dialectic goes, I can only say that it may be true epistemologically but not metaphysically. In other words it may affect knowledge, but not reality itself.

2002-05-17T17:01:00.000-04:00

I have just been reading a little bit about monism, dualism and pluralism. Check it out on the net. I personally am a dualist, but I think my dualism is slightly different than most, so I leave it here for your benefit. Obviously, there are two substances. They are (no big surprise) spirit and matter. Now my belief is that part of the mind is material, but that the will is spirit. The spirit and the mind interact, and the rest of the mind, being material, interacts with our bodies. This is probably not new, but it certainly differs from mainstream thought, such as Cartesian dualism, which holds that the other substance besides matter is mind itself. The part of the mind which is material is a product of the matter that makes it up, and also the spirit (or will) that guides it. I'm not saying it's the most lucid of positions, but it is the best I've come up with so far. The reason I am not a materialist is largely because I believe in God, which comes before philosophy for me. Also, more logically, I think that the presence of freedom of will shows qualities which matter does not exhibit. By the way if you're politically minded, you might want to check out Adventures in Marxism by Marshall Berman. I don't agree with him, but the book is a great read.

2002-05-14T21:28:00.000-04:00

I am trying to find a reading list of books that everyone should read, and am having trouble. A five or ten book list should be good enough. I have tried several different searches in "adult reading lists" and have come up with maybe five or so books. Really I have plenty to read, but the problem is that I'm not reading all the time, and when I'm not reading I'm bored. I wish I had money to get a cup of coffee tonight, but the weekly spending money is very low. In fact it is spent. The books I am looking at reading are by Wittgenstein, Darwin, Stanley Milgram, a book on math adventures for kids, and a commentary on "The Critique of Pure Reason" that is supposed to be readable. I can't remember the authors name. Check out Guardian Unlimited Books for some good top ten lists. Navigating Amazon's lists only confuses me. Besides, my library doesn't have half the books. I did get a Tversky on interlibrary loan. I am still reading "The Worldly Philosophers" by Robert Heilbroner as well as "The Ecology of Freedom" by Murray Bookchin, "Rogue States" by Noam Chomsky, and "The Essential Nash" edited by Harold Kuhn and Sylvia Nasar (which I can barely understand). I must admit to talking about things to get certain types of hits. I am taking an IQ test to join Mensa in a couple of days. I may not be smart enough, but it's worth a shot. Send me some email. No really. I mean it. Even if you cuss me out, at least I'll know you're reading.

2002-05-12T16:30:00.000-04:00

Happy Mother's Day. I recently had an assertive talk with my Mom and she is pissed. I guess that's her problem and not mine. But anyway, it's made mothers day sort of tense.
In other news, I am going to buy my own computer. I think I want a Mac. They're a bit expensive though, especially considering that I need a new printer. That $100-$150 back is not making $1000-$2000 any easier on my pocketbook. I do get a student discount, but again it's only a couple hundred bucks. Maybe I should get an i or e mac with an inkjet. That's right around $1000 total. Still, ugh. Any suggestions on Mac versus Pc and what to buy? WRITE ME!. Getting an email from my site would be novel. See ya.

2002-05-10T20:40:00.000-04:00

Just thought I'd say Hi. That's it. Besides the fact that Arafat did come out against terrorism, and as anyone with any sense could have told you, his people didn't listen. Remember the Arabs are not Nazis. Neither is Israel. They have both been in the wrong many times, and nothing short of a social revolution will stop the war over there. I think the U.S. is going to back away from Israel. We'll see. Take care.

2002-05-09T15:51:00.000-04:00

I have been reading most of the week. I am working on The Worldly Philosophers and a couple of others I have already mentioned. I am looking for the paper "Noncooperative Games" by John F. Nash for free but I haven't been able to find it. I have read it once, but it was way over my head. I'm hoping I can convince my tutor to help me with it once I buy it. I am a little angry. My friends find my interests boring, and I find many of theirs boring. We are not very close. My relationships feel very dissatisfying. I miss some of my old friends, but we're not friends anymore. That's all. Feeling lazy.

2002-05-01T19:15:00.000-04:00

Something happened to my line breaks. Sorry. I'll check it out later.

2002-05-01T19:11:00.000-04:00

Reading list that every human being that can read english should read:

1.The New American Bible This is a good version by good scholars of the most important book in western history.
2.The Republic Plato Some would argue that this is actually more important than the previous book. Obviously this is a translated work.
3.HamletWilliam ShakespeareUnparalleled beauty in the english language.
4.Beyond Good and Evil Friedrich NietzscheAlso a translation. Changed my life, and helped to teach me to think for myself.
5.Old Man and the Sea Ernest HemingwayDid I say unparalleled? Arguably.

Hegel almost made the list, but he's too obtuse. I guarantee that if you read all or most of those five books your life will change. Of course that's a tall order with the bible included. Watch out for creeping protestantism while reading it. Don't blame me if you join a church. I did. I quit after a couple years though, so don't worry. Of course you may not be as easily influenced as me. Trading off Nietzsche with the bible may be a good cure for such influence. I won't forget Thomas Merton. He'll appear on another list.

2002-04-29T17:07:00.000-04:00

Reading list for people with schizophreniform disorders:

1.Surviving Schizophrenia E. Fuller Torrey M.D. The only guidebook of it's kind.
2. Schizophrenia Genesis I. Gottesman A little technical, but you'll learn alot.
3. How to Meditate Lawrence Leshawn Some distraction, and good advice about hallucinations, albeit in terms of meditation.
4. A Beautiful Mind Sylvia Nasar You may not win a Nobel but you can contribute.
5. When Bad Things Happen to Good People Harold Kushner No one deserves schizophrenia or schizaoffactive disorder. Some good thoughts on things no one deserves.

I also recommend Robert Fulghum for some post hospital reading. It's not real deep, but it is non-threatening and fun. As a last thought : schizoaffective.org is trash. If you have been diagnosed with schizophreniform disorder and you do not take medication you will find yourself visiting the hospital sooner than later. I have seen it in others, as well as myself. The site is probably run by some Cthulhu cult anyway. I am thinking about posting other reading lists. Take care.

2002-04-28T22:18:00.000-04:00

Saw I got a philosophy hit and wanted to challenge readers. Also, bored. Current philosophy. Mind body dualism, interactionist, for metaphysics. Epistemology : Evidentialist, meaning all things either self -evident or proven by senses. Ethics: Wisdom ( or knowledge) is good. You still haven't read The Republic have you? God as the starting point. The soul transient, losing itself to become one with God at death. No after life beyond this. Still think the subjective is only a highly complex objective situation. Send me yours or post it on the guestbook.

2002-04-28T22:10:00.000-04:00

Wow. Eleven days. Haven't felt like keeping up. Had some people make derogatory comments about my mental illness and I'm wondering who my friends are. I'm not sure I really have any. That's okay for now. I know I'll meet people eventually. Wrote a letter to George Bush. Going to a leftist book club on thursday. Taking an IQ test in a week or two to maybe join MENSA and applying for admission to Wright State. Sorry there isn't much to read. Check out the archives to see how I got to here. Its not a bad place. Sometimes I want the old stuff back though. Reading A Beautiful Mind and searching all kinds of math web sites. Check out some of the stuff on game theory, it rules. Hey, what bores you interests me. And often vice versa. I am also shocked at how people need to prove there masculinity and are scared of homosexuals. It sucks being different. Ever read queer theory? Enough randomness and infinite digression. Think, think, think.

2002-04-17T17:42:00.000-04:00

Saw yesterday that someone linked to my site by searching "fist in the ass" on google. It's in the archives and it's not one of my better moments. I've decided to leave it alone out of respect for the past. I may decide to change it later out of respect for others. I was happy I got a hit, but unhappy about the topic. Anyway... I got a book by Murray Bookchin called the Ecology of Freedom which is really cool. It talks about a possible future society, which is basically an advanced enviornmental decentralized socialism. I firmly believe that advanced socialism is the key to our future. If we could build a more rational society we could change the world. Instead we let big oil control everything. Well I'm cooking now. I'm making a Naked Chef recipe from last night's show. Come back later.

2002-04-15T12:44:00.000-04:00

Decide on Wright State. Found Antioch students a little rude. Now looking at different concentrations for mathematics. Just went and got transcripts and such. Will be tutored in math. Even getting a job in the near future. So things are looking bright. Need to maintain consistency when I feel less well. Friends rule. Hope you are also well. See ya.

2002-04-11T16:10:00.000-04:00

Things are going well. I went to Antioch and took a tour. I think that I will be accepted into the school, if I want. I'm mulling over whether I should go to Antioch or Wright State. Wright State's applied math is a more complete program. Antioch has the ideological advantage. I think I will take my time deciding. I'm supposed to write two essays to Antioch. One is a " why antioch" essay and the other is free form. I can do poetry or whatever I want. The essays are making me more interested in Antioch. I am going to tour Wright State sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow. Need a new computer. I am tired of working at public ones. Well, take care.

2002-04-07T18:19:00.000-04:00

I got a Kerouac Cd last night and did some pen and inks. Also started a long poem. It was a creative night. May publish long poem on web, not sure. See ya.

2002-04-05T16:43:00.000-05:00

Back again. No deep thoughts. Wish there was peace in the world. Heard someone say "Become the change you want." I think that was Gandhi. So am I peaceful? Outwardly yes, but in my head it's still work. Keys to life:
1. Discipline
2. Work
3. Love
4. Honesty
5. Balance
That's all I can think of. There's probably more. See ya.

2002-04-03T10:26:00.000-05:00

Just read the scathing article about blogging from the Boston Globe. My opinion is who the hell cares? I'm not sure why scathing articles need to be written. Oh well. I never claimed to be journalism or high art.

2002-04-03T10:16:00.000-05:00

I feel like I'm drowning and I need to latch on to something. I'd latch on to God but I think that's what I'm drowning in. Last night I was a wreck. I missed the weight loss meeting so I went to an old timers AA meeting. It was alright but not my thing. Some of those old timers are just showing off. I mean there's hardass and asshole and they're two different things. But they've all got umpteen years, so I try to at least listen. I've talked myself out of bed the past two days, which is pretty damn good. Just have to cope with feeling shitty. Read Alan Dugan's Poems Seven. Trust me. I've mentioned it before I know. Well I'm out of here.

2002-04-02T11:23:00.000-05:00

Tried to get on yesterday but couldn't and the day before did not get to a computer. My friends told me I was flighty when I told them about Noam Chomsky. My buddy Matt (also my sponsor) actually knows who he is. I had a thought about a previous post. It's very disrespectful to women. Lucklily it's in the archives and you probably haven't read it. But if you have my apologies. I'm still working on my adolescent behavior. Thinking about applying for Antioch. Gave them a call and may tour the campus soon. I'm hoping that I've finally made some decisions about who I want to be. We'll see. I guess it's up to me who I am, which is hard for me to remember. I got my first guestbook sign in a few days ago. The guy thinks I'm a headcase, which is true. He has a blog, saymyname.blogspot.com. It's not bad. Also check out annakiss.blogspot.com. It's good. Well no more inspiration. Tommorow maybe.

2002-03-30T20:25:00.000-05:00

Okay. So I went out and bought a Noam Chomsky book yesterday, at the recommendation of a friend. I started reading it and got so upset ithat I went to bed. I think faith in your country is the last of your childhood faiths to really die. If what he's saying is true, and he's pretty credible, then U.S. foreign policy for the last fifty years is riddled with crimes against both international law and humanity itself. I wish I had an Evil Empire t-shirt. However I'm scared that some right wing rich guy dreamed up Rage in the first place. Okay so that might be going a little far. This originally wasn't met to be a political blog, but the world situation is quickly getting me relevant. Whether this is good or bad depends on your perspective. Check out Noam Chomsky. I highly recommend Rogue States. I'm going to keep everything the same on the template. Hey I'm flighty! I am only a man! But I would like to tell you that before this situation in the Middle East is over, alot of people are going to get killed. Some of them will be Americans. Talk at you later. Tim.

2002-03-29T17:05:00.000-05:00

Had a political discussion with a friend. Remember most of all that the way things are is not how things should be. The issues at hand : Eurocentrism, the Environment, War, Money, Resources, Terrorism, Revolution. Sometimes even using the word revolution scares people. The word terrorism is probably even worse. Just remember also that you did not sign up for this. That's all I'm going to say. Take care.

2002-03-28T12:13:00.000-05:00

I always think of what to blog when I'm half asleep, and of course I can't remember it the next day. Let's see.. I'm going to enumerate my beliefs.
1. Absolute uncreated creator perfect in every way
2. The All which is creation and creator together
3. A God and a Goddess
4. many other spirits including human souls
5. physical beings all having souls
6. inanimate objects which may become souls
7. The possiblity of becoming a higher being

That's it for now. Recommend you allow yourself periods of doubt. I certainly do. Also feel free to disagree. No one's forcing you, just communicating. Thanks.

2002-03-27T17:25:00.000-05:00

Starting my diet today. Other than that the only news is that my head hurts like a college students on Sunday. You'd think I'd get use to this, but I don't. Recommend you chill out today. It feels like that kind of day.

2002-03-26T18:05:00.000-05:00

Well I'm on my way to a weight watchers meeting. I've got a joke: former anarchist drug abuser now fat and in recovery walks into a weight watchers meeting. Pretty funny huh? I grow more and more like my parents every day. Next thing you know I'll be making a college fund. I made my speech last night and it went well, if I do say so myself. I got alot out of doing it. Today was pretty useless but I got some good email. I got one from some rabila komila something. It was a really good fake! I'm still sitting here wondering if I should read more of it. Shysters, shysters everywhere... Recommend you say no to a shyster today. Take care. Tim.

2002-03-25T17:08:00.000-05:00

Had the surgery. It was no problem. The first batch of drugs wasn't that great, but parts two and three really knocked me out. It wasn't like pentathol where you feel all high though. Can't you tell I'm an addict? I also feel fine to make the speech. Sometimes I get myself so keyed up. Saw that they're starting a tv show called Know What? Isn't it strange how two people come up with similar ideas at similar times? I've heard that one reason so few people get into screen writing is that even the most original scripts usually have a very close companion hanging around in production somewhere. Ah, the post-modern silliness of it all... See relevant post of Primus lyrics a little over a week ago. I think I've really given up on trying to be original. It's hard enough to avoid cliche. I used to think that if I could do just one thing that was completely new that something major would happen. If I've done it I certainly didn't know it at the time. The well is dry. (figuratively speaking) Praying for rain. (also figuratively) Recommend you give up any wish to create something original. Come back for more. Tim.

2002-03-24T17:37:00.000-05:00

I'm back. Giving a speech tomorrow at the Nova House in Dayton, so the stress is running high. I'm supposed to have an EGD (they put a flashlight in your throat) the very same day. They told me this is going to work out, but I'm pretty worried about it. They told me to bring my will to the EGD if I had one, I guess in case I die under anesthetic. I hate doctors. I am going to pray to every imaginable God tomorrow morning, in hopes that it all works out. I'm trying not to be neurotic but I'm not sure it's working. Well other than that life is cool. Things are going better. I added a small section to a long poem I'm working on. I went and saw the Cinncinnati Symphony Orchestra last night. They played three really great pieces. The soloist played two encores, one Chopin and the other Liszt, I think. I had a very good discussion about dating with my sponsor. I'm still learning about this stuff. Here's a small poem that I recommend you read:
You never knew that you know. You never knew, now you know. Know what?

That's all. Tim.

2002-03-22T17:31:00.000-05:00

Just saw that I had twelve hits this month. Not all of them were me! Way cool. All were referred from blogger, at around the time I updated. This makes sense. Just went to the local wiccan store and bought some charcoal and some dragon's blood (it's incense). It's called Anything Under the Moon. Stop by if you're in the Dayton- Kettering, Ohio area. The owners are two very cool gay women. Don't expect the ritz or anything, but it's cool. I also went to Meijer's and bought a pair of tweezers to use as incense tongs. I wanted a small bellows or something, so I didn't have to fan the charcoal by hand, but all they had was this ugly ass left over with no price tag. I decided to pass. Read a quarter of a buddhist book. I still don't believe everything is nothing. There's a little bit of the Randite left in this pagan, and when I hear that stuff I think " A is A." I am interested in their theories about desire and suffering, however. It explains a good bit about karma. I have to admit that I go through periods of doubt with this stuff. As I told a friend, I believe in God, (sometimes Gods) but I find theology confusing. I recommend you burn some good resin incesnse tonight. Maybe fornicate while you do it. That's all. Tim.

2002-03-21T12:33:00.000-05:00

Well I'm looking into going to school again. I'm going to apply at three schools, Wright State, University of Dayton, and Miami of Ohio. I want to get a pure mathematics degree. Wright State is looking the most appealing so far, but I might change my mind. Of course if Dad moves, I may be somewhere else anyway. Why mathematics? Well, I am good at it, it interests me and it has earning potential. Poetry I'm good at, interests me and has very low earning potential. Maybe I'll take some electives.
Don't think I put this on the site yet. What if every soul is uncreated, and created the universe together? Like a big session of congress or something. This gets rid of problems about God's omniscience and omnipotence, which are somewhat mysteriously contradictory, and problems of evil and free will. I am sure it's logical conclusion has some inconsistencies, but I haven't thought of them yet.
Recommendation is that you write a poem, no matter how shitty it happens to be. See ya. Tim.

2002-03-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

Top five best english poets ever: Lord Byron, Alan Dugan, Robert Frost, Emily Dickinson, William Shakespeare. Except for Shakespeare, I prefer only the short stuff. Byron's long poems are boring, as are Frost's. The other two are short form poets. Hey, I never claimed to have the most highly developed palette. I am thinking about tackling Ezra Pound, largely because Frank Herbert was reading him around the time of Dune. Found that out from a promotional picture on the back of a library edition. I like Eliot, but there are only a few good things. I don't appreciate much other than The Wasteland, The Hollow Men, and Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. Shakespeare is loved by everyone, but everyone is not always wrong. I can feel an inevitable backlash coming, however. Byron wrote some great short stuff, that is almost modern. Dugan is exactly what I like, short, shocking, imagistic, post modern. Emily Dickinson is deceptively simple, transcendental and very feminine. Frost is also deceptively simple, but concerned with nature and very masculine. Still looking for a good modern english love poet. Is there any such thing? I recommend you read a poem today. Stop by for more ideas and other cool stuff. Tim.

2002-03-19T16:33:00.000-05:00

Not much going on. The first thing that comes to mind to talk about is therapy, which went well today, and my ex. She decided one email was enough. Oh well we've all got other lives don't we? Well most of us. I'm being advised to wait on getting a job, which is really pissing my AA sponsor off. They said to not overstimulate myself. I think that's why I get online so much is because I like being overstimulated. The more music, information, etc... The better I feel. For a couple days anyway. Then it's back in the toilet. It's funny how I spent much of my life wanting to be a rebel, and now I find that the only way to get better is to conform. At least to some degree. Some of my weirdness is okay, but staying up til 4 is out, as well as being late to appointments, drinking alcohol and doing drugs, and eating whatever I want. It has also been suggested that I turn the music down so my hearing won't go. I mean you only live once, but when you're not enjoying life doing all that stuff, I guess it's time to change. Besides I don't believe in euthanasia and I might last between forty and sixty years. So I don't want to be some old fart that can't even talk straight. Trust me I'm not happy about this. If I really wanted to conform I would have become a marine. I recommend that you come by later, and write me. Tim.

2002-03-17T23:56:00.000-05:00

Thought of a cool song by Primus that relates to some things I've been thinking and talking about. It goes "Questions deservings answers, answers deserving action, what am I of the populi I am but a fraction. Is there heaven is there hell, is that tuna melt I smell, come on." Hellbound 17 1/2 is the name of that one. My brain is fried. I'm going to log off for now.

2002-03-16T16:29:00.000-05:00

Previous post was the other day's. Don't have much. Keeping my head above water and that's about it. Going to a poetry reading tonight in Yellow Springs. I hope I don't see too many people I used to get into trouble with. Meeting old friends can be uncomfortable. Well, it's Mom's birthday and I'm going out to eat. I have to buy a card first. I wonder if my old counter was off, or if I'm actually getting hits. Is there anybody out there? Remember that Pink Floyd sucks. Recommend you listen to Radiohead instead, if you're looking for ambient depression.

2002-03-16T16:24:00.000-05:00

Having a numb day. Eyes sandy, head foggy, and so forth. Thinking very little. Kind of thinking about the roleplaying game Mage: The Ascension. Definitely consider myself a mage of the Order of Hermes. It's just a game, I know, but thinking that way helps me define myself. That is something I have trouble doing. I also like the Sensates in Planescape. To explain: The order of Hermes are mages that are based on Hermetic Philsophy, numerology and so forth. The Sensates believe that one should seek out new experiences, both good and bad. Got pissed reading Liber Kaos last night. After you read Combatting Cult Mind Control you get a little skeptical about certain types of people. Peter Caroll is definitely advocating cult activity. Oh well, there were parts of it I liked. Here's a poem. It's about no girl in particular.
Rise and Fall

There is laughter in the soft thud of her fingertips
on the table. She releases a gentle reproving smile
And a giggle, as I sit all quiet and serious
in contemplation of the serious.
Seeing her amusement is like seeing that the sky is blue
instead of gray.
I'm embarrassed and I bite my fingernails,
But when I'm in bed I start laughing so hard
I start to cry.
I think "Yes,
the world is falling and fallen and I am falling
(and fallen)
apart, like a clod of dirt beneath the wheels of a car.
But when she laughs I know I am to love and be loved.

That's all. It looks like I may be getting hits so please write.

2002-03-13T17:34:00.000-05:00

Had a friend ask me to a law conference here in a few weeks. Should be interesting. It's a two day conference with speakers in Ann Arbor Michigan. I have to dress up though. Also, I think I fixed the guestbook, counter and mail link. Bravenet had a hack last week and lost my stuff. Don't have a lot to say today. I feel in a rut. I'm listening to the same CD's and doing the same crap pretty much every day. It's beautiful here. Spring is an awesome time of the year. I feel good much more often in the spring. If I could just get my ass up and out I would feel really good. Felt persecuted last night but it went away. It might be because I think pretty much everyone can go to hell. I am not happy with the world right now. Got a burr up my butt at a meeting last night. In my not so humble opinion everyone at the meeting was full of it. Need to lighten up. It's just a bunch of drunks. Reccomendation for today is something rational and masculine. Maybe For Whom the Bell Tolls by Hemingway. Lastly, realized I crave information.

2002-03-12T10:46:00.000-05:00

Woke up at 6:32 this morning. Life is growing progressively more random. At least I got breakfast. Found a quote which I will paraphrase. Man's sole purpose of existence is to light a candle in the darkness of being. I think it's Carl Jung but I'm not sure. Had a theological dream last night. Something about the relationship between totality, the Absolute, and an uncreated Creator. I could go on at length, but it confused me, so I won't. Had a discussion with a friend about the theory that the world has infinite dimensions and layers. Would fit with dream experiences. But then why one main conscious dimension? No clue. Wrote an ex-girlfriend. Feel like lame duck. She's cool though. She played it off. I guess I did too. However, I kept saying insecure things in my emails. Looking for release from my suffering. What if there isn't any? Everything needs to be rethought. Also a quote. That's my recommendation for the day. Hey, overanalyzing has gotten me this far. Tim.

2002-03-11T20:19:00.000-05:00

A short post. Feeling sick, and haven't done too much today. Reading Liber Kaos and messing around on the internet. Went and got a cup of coffee with dad, and tried not to talk about the divorce. Sometimes I know too much. Realized I want to be a cheery, sunny person that people like to be around. I guess I'm not a whiner in real person. When I blog though... Listen to Release off of Pearl Jam's Ten. Brings back good memories for me of being thirteen, horny, and unconsciously homoerotically obsessed with Eddie Vedder. See ya. Tim.

2002-03-10T14:41:00.000-05:00

I'm back after a brief internet deprivation. I still can't get to my email because msn is poop.Maybe if I try again later. Just saw Royal Tenenbaums, which was very funny. The acting was great, and the characters outlandish. Plus I got to see Gwyneth Paltrow making out with a woman in a french whorehouse. The scene is brief. Blink and you'll miss it. The winner for best line is "This is my sponsor, walks over two rivers." My sponsor and I were at the movie with a group of recovery friends. Recovery humor is always appreciated, at least by me. Which reminds me that Willow from Buffy is a sorcerer in recovery. She actually goes to twelve step meetings. This is among many of the reasons to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, I am a dork. I think if you picked every interest and illness which made you a dork I would have a connection with all of them. But I had my enlightenment about the truth of my nerd self many years ago. I think it was when I read microserfs. You should check that out. I'm having trouble thinking about how to draw the lines between all these interests of mine. It's a problem right now that I lack integration. Last but not least, search my profile on msn under majordork. There's a picture on the profile. That's all. Enjoy life.

2002-03-06T16:59:00.000-05:00

Just had a fight with friend. I got tired of her blaming everyone for her problems.
Had a thought in meditation. Suffering is getting what you want. Cool , huh?
Read Call of Cthulhu by H.P. Lovecraft. Had a longer post but timed out. See ya.Tim.

2002-03-05T16:07:00.000-05:00

I think promethism is a bust. It's very anti-minority, at least in it's subtext. I guess we can't all be weird and cool. I had someone suggest horticulture to me today. Maybe I could breed flowers or something! That doesn't seem like me, but who knows? I'm going to keep this post short. Hardly anyone reads blogs anyway. So there's no point in giving you my life story, especially every day. Here's to freaks that know they are freaks, and also don't hate anyone. They're definitely a minority. I suggest reading Octavia E. Butler. Try the Xenogenesis series. I wonder of she really supports this kind of life, or if she's just trying to freak you out. I'll have to write her a letter and see.

2002-03-04T12:56:00.000-05:00

Found a bunch of futurism sites on the net, that advocate eugenics, cloning, and other things I have been discussing. Search futurism at google. You wouldn't believe people actually say this stuff. It's funny, because part of me supports something similar to what these people support, but it sounds crazy. I still think a well founded voluntary eugenics program is a good goal. First though, we might try breeding long lived mice, based on the life span of their ancestors. We could see what effect it had, versus a random breeding program. Maybe I should go into genetics research. That could be cool. Maybe the futurists are somewhat ahead of themselves. Conscious evolution may be at least a few major science experiments away. Not to mention a cultural revolution. Arguably progress is a form of conscious evolution. I'm going to check out these people and see what they're made of. There is also an L. Ron Hubbard book called Conscious Evolution. I'm not about to start auditing, but I may check out his book. Be silent. Tim.

2002-03-03T15:45:00.000-05:00

Well I started a story last night. Sometimes if you want to read something, you have to write it yourself. It's about a tribe of desert nomads who are searching for a temple. Later on I'm going to branch out into Galilee type stuff, (the wandering not the family history) and then some eugenics. I don't know how all that gets in one book, but sometimes I don't know how it all goes in one brain either. I had the idea of crossing in some biography as dreams, and dreams as life, and so on. That way the story will be semi-autobiographical. Recommendation for today is dream on. Tim.

2002-03-02T18:06:00.000-05:00

Finally got here. I've been trying to get to here and to bravenet for roughly twenty minutes. I'm not sure I really want to see my counter stats anyway, but I guess hope springs eternal. I've been thinking about Heinlein's Howard Foundation again. Breeding people based on old age of their ancestors is a damn good idea. After all, it not only would breed for age itself but also for survival traits. Why can't the real world be this cool? I've suggested human breeding earlier. I think the only ethical objections to voluntary ( and I stress voluntary) eugenics are religious in nature. Granted this is a big only. I read somewhere that most people in America have a fundamental religious belief. I find about half the people I meet are religious, half agnostic, with a very small amount of people interested in alternative religion. It seems like people could at least loosen their theology a bit. Oh well. Everything in it's right place as Radiohead tells us. Well my dad wants me off, because I'm using his business line. I reccomend you read Time Enough for Love. How else are you going to find eugenics and polyamory in one book? Tim.

2002-02-28T18:30:00.000-05:00

Another short post. I'm busy looking for books to read. So far I've tried searching NoveList for things like vurt, dawn by octavia e. butler, dune and galilee. I'm about to try and reserve some stuff. Already planning my next life. Thinking about being a tall beautiful female swimmer who attempts to become an olympian. I'm serious. Decided I should start planning a little better for this one. See you around. Tim.

2002-02-26T16:24:00.000-05:00

Im not feeling very verbose today, for a change. Let's just say I'm feeling like my heart's being ripped out by a knife. No, it's not girl trouble. It's just me being me. Here's something. Why not dare to ask questions like "Who isn't making millions off of radiohead samples?" You too could be a record exec. That's about all I can muster. I'm taking my one hit and going home.

2002-02-25T21:41:00.000-05:00

I just saw the kill your blog page. Check it out through dmoz. I guess the honor system failed once again, because I didn't scrap my blog. I read a how to write a better blog thing too. They said I should connect the dots for you. The creative juices are flowing so I'll attempt to do that. I have recommended a few things. These are Plato's Republic, American Beauty, Incubus's Make Yourself, and Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton. I think that covers it. All are spiritual to me. That's why. From Plato I get a love of knowledge and beauty. From American Beauty the need to live the best life you can and the love of beauty. From Incubus some cool lyrics, particularly about what life is like and what it means. From Thomas Merton... He's like a pin in my pagan balloon. Basically I get that I should not expect spiritual practice to feel good, or please my ego. That is spiritual kindergarten. Trust me Catholics, especially contemplative Catholics, know a thing or two about spirituality. The template changes basically worked. Yeah! I think I put in the wrong command for you to mail me, but oh well. Type it in your damn self. I'll fix it once I find out what the code is. Feel free to email me about it. After my last diatribe I must admit, that I'd like to help people who read me. I said that in my first post. I admit I don't know how. But those are some things that helped me. So try it out.

2002-02-25T16:15:00.000-05:00

Well, I changed some stuff on the settings and the template. I hope it works. I'm not the master of html and java code that some of you are. I changed the title based on a song I've been listening to lately. I think sometimes that the world doesn't need saving, and because of this song, that it's probably past saving anyhow. I'm dedicated to staying with this site name for at least a month. So we'll see how it goes. It's funny how I often see myself as the person who is going to right every wrong, usher in world utopia, enlighten the masses, do away with corruption, get all the women, and so on and so forth. I think it may be partly my mental illness. But, I think I am not the only one. Read any spiritual book and you'll see what I mean. Every writer I think has this problem. After all you've got a brand new outlook, a new spin, a new whatever, that will revolutionize your art and of course the world. This is bullshit. Let's say I get published again. My readers will be small. I may affect them in some way, but I'm not going to change their lives. If anyone remembers that poem in that magazine except me and mom and dad in ten years I'll be more than lucky. The chances of me having a real effect through my writings are miniscule. So why do it? For me, of course. Now I want people to read my stuff, which is why I started this blog, but mostly it's for me. And on a good day I'm not super man, I'm just Tim Lake. Which can suck. Which is probably why I'd rather be superman, even if he is a bullshit figure contrived to justify my useless life. Well not completely useless. My friends like me, and so does my family. But that's about it. This is the problem with most philosophies and spiritual beliefs, with some exceptions. They are going to turn you into a hero or heroine, instead of a person. Whenever someone tries to sell you that, take the nearest exit, or you will get burned. Check out The Church of the Subgenius for some lessons in how not to recruit people. Although they have managed to stay in business a number of years. Another lesson is to not idolize others. For example rock stars, and such. They're just normal people in abnormal situations. I think. Most of the time. Well I've jawed enough. My recommendation is you sit down and imagine what you want the world to be like and write it down. Best of luck. Tim.

2002-02-23T17:21:00.000-05:00

Well, hey! I'm back. I still feel like shit, but I'm in a better mood. Breathe a sigh of relief. I am right now. I just read How to Meditate by Lawrence LeShawn. Other than a strange conviction that their is a connection between the mystic experience and relativity, this guy's the most rational mystic I've ever read in my life. I guess there is some connection between physics and mysticism, but I'm not seeing the direct correlation this guy is. Mr. LeShawn gives you good theory and practice, which is uncommon. It sounds difficult. I've never been the most disciplined person, and I think it might be difficult to do the mental push ups he suggests. That doesn't mean I won't try. I'm still trying to figure out how to put an email connection in my template. Maybe I should click on help or something. Anyway, it's majordork@msn.com. I get tons of spam, even with my filter, so I'm not going to care if you send me crap. Don't expect me to answer it though. I was checking out some of the news about blogs on the way in. I personally think it's cool. I mean, you don't have to read it right? So who cares if some guy blabs for pages about whatever. I am a case in point, aren't I? Went out with my friends to Chili's last night. We were laughing so hard, that I thought someone would pee their pants. We got talking about ex-girlfriends. One guy was developing an interview for his next one. It went something like this: Are you bisexual? Are you an alcoholic or an addict? Do you cut on yourself? Are you on psychiatric medication? Are you a theater major? Do you like getting fisted in the ass? (Apparently he has an ex that does) Do you ever give head? Do you like giving head? Do you smell like tuna? Do you owe large amounts of money to a cocaine dealer? (Added by another friend. It's true I know her) Do you have a child with a cocaine dealer? (Same girl) Do you have a child? Do you give booty? (Some thought this was optional) Are you a twenty two year old virgin who has never been touched by a man? Do you dye your hair once a month or even more often? How many times will you cheat on me in a three year period? Will it last more than a month? Will I feel like calling you after the first date? We went on like this for a while. Yes we are sexist pigs. I really try not to be. I do. I'm sure there are woman out there who feel the same way about men. Oh well. My recommendation. Do something more wholesome than read this page. Talk at you later.

2002-02-22T16:42:00.000-05:00

It's been a while. I haven't had access to computer, so I'm currently using a library one. Basically I've fallen apart this week. I haven't done anything but eat, sleep, and meditate. I've considered stopping the meditation, but I guess it's soothing. I have some physical problems which were just diagnosed and I'm a little discouraged. (IBS and GERD) They are causing me pain, and on top of my emotional problems they have left me burnt out. I'm not going to end it, and I can't get better, so I guess I'll have to put up with it. I just don't know if I can put up with it for another sixty years. I've been thinking rather materialist lately, (meaning that there's no god and everything's material) which goes against some deeply held beliefs. However I've found that it's best not to hold onto any belief system too much or it becomes constricting. So anyway, I had the following idea for a government. First, you have Heinlein's famous two years mandatory service required in order to vote. This would require a physical and psychological exam. The latest you could do this service is thirty two. Then you put everyone in that group into a sperm and egg bank which could be used by the public as sperm donor and in vitro fertilization clinic. Then you take everyone who is twenty five and has three living grandparents, and has fulfilled the service into a group. You pay them money to marry someone within that group voluntarily. They can of course decide not to, but if they do, no money. (This is also a Heinlein idea.) Then you put everyone who has the first two, and is an olympic medallist into another group. You pay them top dollar to marry within that group voulntarily. Cool, huh? Yes I think like a fascist. At least I'm a good fascist. Actually, I'm not even sure I agree with this program, but I like ideas like that. I also don't have a poem today. I recommend you meditate for at least a half hour today. Find out how online. Thanks for stopping by.

2002-02-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

I went and saw A Beautiful Mind last night. As someone with schizoaffective disorder, this movie meant alot to me. It's not an exact picture of schizophrenia, but it's very close. My dad and I both cried afterward. I don't cry as often as I'd like to. For everybody out there who is schizophrenic or schizoaffective, I know what you go through. Most of the time it really sucks. The only thing to do is to keep going, and to accept help. I've had to reevaluate everything in my life because of it. I'm still going through that. Not that you could tell by the previous posts or anything. I'm trying some dream meditation right now. It's going pretty well. I seem to have some control of what happens in my dreams. I'm not sure I buy all of Robert Moss's stories, but I have gotten alot out of reading him. At least I know it's okay to believe that dreams can be real. I think I believed that already. Also, I want to tell you that you don't have any obligation to agree with me. Most people are aware of that, but not everybody. People who can't agree to disagree drive me ape shit. I have an old friend who is very black and white. If you disagree with her you get a lecture. I stopped hanging out with her. Developing a sense that there is some gray in life is an important part of being an adult. Without it you become a caricature, someone who is really less than real. Here is the very appropriate poem of the day.
On Being Psychotic

I think the world is getting ready for me to hit the scene.
I could be the second coming and not even know it.
Everyone knows I'm a genius except the ones with power.
That movie was definitely
written about me. My descent into madness has been
chronicle for those to come.
The DIA listens to me with a phone tap.
The Illuminati would consider me for membership if my
brains weren't all fucked up. Nothing's
good enough. Sometimes I can't feel anything.
I've made a religion out of Risperdal; if I don't
take it I'm sure to assault someone
or end up in restraints.
My life is a million tragedies per second.

I'm considering revising it. My recommendation is that you take a family member to see A Beautiful Mind.

2002-02-15T17:33:00.000-05:00

So I forgot to tell you. I've found a couple of movements that when synthesized are very close to what I want to do. One is chaos magic. The other is dreaming. I know I'm all over the place. This really seems like the right thing though. The ideas behind chaos magic are pretty simple. Basically they believe you can influence reality mentally, by using the subconscious mind. This fits together with dream healing very well. After all, dreams are largely the product of the subconscious. Plus, the idea that the dream world is just that, a world , and that it is inhabited by different beings provides the necessary framwork for spirits and gods. These are used in a similar fashion by cha magic. Actually, many chaos magicians believe that all spirits are manifested by the subconscious. But what if theres a collective unconscious? It seems to all fit. Not only that but the use of visualization in dreaming carries over into chaos magic. The tools of chaos magic easily expand on the tools of dreaming. Check out the chaos magic websites most easily accessible by dmoz. I don't have the urls on me. Also check out the Robert Moss website. A little this, a little that, and poof! You've got a working belief system. Now that we have metaphysics, (the dream world creating the physical world, a sort of dualism), epistlemology (a sort of evidentialism, albeit with a leap of faith), we just need an axiology. (We need to know what is valuable and why.) Evidentialism is believing in something based on self-evidence, ( I think therefore I am, etc...) or because their is a perceptual basis for it. Like I said there is a leap of faith involved, mostly in the belief that the dream world is real. It's certainly not anything worse than your average christianity. Plus you can have sex on the first date without guilt. I'm currently reading Plato's republic, which is basically a study of value, so maybe I'll come up with something good. I'm only doing a short poem today.
The Butterfly Effect

I believe saying out there, random shit
can change the course of
existence forever. So

I would like to point out that
butterflies waver
like leaves being toasted

like marshmallows in a burning tree.

My recommendation is to stop worrying about how shitty you feel and do something. And take your own advice, too.

2002-02-14T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm well fed and thus happy right now. I have been investigating polyamory websites, because I am interested in a marriage of more than two people. I'm not sure I'll actually do it. After all, if I can't find one person to be with the rest of my life, how can I find a group? I am considering becoming a minister through the Universal Life Church. Again, I have my misgivings. I am unconventional, but I don't want to be a cult leader. The apartment, my Dad's, looks really beautiful at night with all the artificial lights in it. Too random for you? I'm trying to make sense. Here's one vision I have for my life that will explain foresaid behavior. I'm thinking of getting a business degree and opening an occult bookstore that has herbs and magical books and tools, as well as candles and such. I'd like to make enough money to support a large family. When I say large, I'm thinking like ten kids. I'd also like to have two or three wives and two or three husbands. They could have kids of their own. I would like the family to make decisions together, without one person trying to win all the time. I'd like a chance to do my writing in my free time. I'll probably always be an amateur, but I love it too much to give it up. Maybe I see this as a possible path for myself, I don't know. I mean I guess I'm a pagan, although the label makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm not only looking for a suitable wife or group, but I'm also looking for a mentor. Someone who can guide me a little on the path that I've chosen. I haven't met anyone who's walking my path as of yet. I could be forging a new one, although it seems unlikely. I know I'll always be a freak and that I'll never be like other people. That's from American Beauty. I also know that sometimes I'm fighting drowning in this sea. I wonder what it's like to be normal. Can you sleep any better? Do you feel normal? It amazes me the amount of people who are trying to find new lifestyles today. I think all the old ones have been found wanting. I'm willing to break the old rules, as long as I stick to my personal ethics. I have also decided to stick to the law. Once you start breaking the law, you're always looking over your shoulder to see if someone catches you. It sucks. As a former drug abuser I can remember what that's like. Hell, sometimes I think they're following me now, and I stop at stop signs. Completely. As for the previous posts, I guess you can tell I'm having a rough time. I tend to take on this asshole persona when I write. I think it's my way of getting shit out. Not that it always helps. If you haven't watched American Beauty, do. I always remember the part when he explains that when you see something beautiful (or insert your word here) that God looks right at you. And that you can look right back. I have some complaints about how he's running things, but I agree with that character that life can be incredibly, overwhelmingly beautiful. Maybe that's all that matters. Well I better go to bed so I don't sleep till 4:30 p.m. again tomorrow. Come back and visit.

2002-02-14T17:58:00.000-05:00

Be glad I settled down while the computer was booting. Here's a middle finger in the face of a world of deified mice and humans without vertebrae. Here's a middle finger to the middle finger that asks for money. Here's a middle finger to the Universe and the guy who runs it. Here's your poem as promised.
Roswell June 14,1978

Believe me it was a stark image,
That man sitting with a flashlight in the desert at night.
He was in an orange poncho.
I guess he was expecting rain.
The closest water was in the sugaro next to him.
There were ten million fucking stars and no moon.
Unfortunately, there was no telescope.
The man was checking the sky with his flashlight,
And writing on a yellow legal pad.
He was writing that these the most boring geminis he'd ever seen.

My soul passed him on the way into town.
He yelled out "You don't know the half of it!"
And "You're not even a blip on the radar!"
I forgot about the event until just now.
God must have been cranky that day.

Recommedation for today is to listen to Make Yourself by Incubus straight through. These corporate whores are onto something real.

2002-02-13T13:35:00.000-05:00

Okay. I'm back after some sleep and a lunch at Bagel Cafe. Here's the idea. I'll publish one poem, plus rambling, a day at this site until I run out. They'll appear in their brand new edited form. You are free to steal them, or publish them without fear of me pressing charges. The reason is that they'll never make me a dime, and no one will publish them. At least if you steal it somebody's reading it. Here's the first one. This is my reaction to being in therapy almost five years. I guess it must not be working.
The World is In Therapy

The world is in therapy so I am going to buy a car,
pull into
a gas station with my girlfriend,
call her a slut and make her pump.
She'll pump
Then calmly kneecap me with the .22 she carries in her a purse.

We'll drive off in acloud of dust
as if in some goddamned Hollywood movie,
then talk about our feelings until we get in a fistfight.

I'll crash into the nearest police car for fun's sake
Then burst into tears over my mistreatment
By society, the media and most of all
By my parents.
They fucked me up completely which is why
I am on the dole,
I am on medication,
I write unpublishable poetry,
I am living in my parents house.
It is also why I am currently getting arrested by a very angry local cop,
while "Nobody's Fault But Mine" plays
on the local "Get the Lead Out" radio special.

This poem is meant to be sarcastic, not an expression of my actual opinions. Recommendation: Balance reading this with a little Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton.

2002-02-13T00:49:00.000-05:00

In case you're wondering what the first post is about, I originally called the blog Outcasts and Fringe Folk. Here's something. It's based on something I vaguely remember. Allen Ginsburg maybe. When I'm God there will be no more messiahs, no more prophets, no more experts, authorities or people claiming access to ancient wisdom. There will be no Jesus, no Satan, no rich people, no teachers, no professors, no more children who starve while we eat caviar, no more people who live with bullets lodged in their brain from their last suicide attempt. Definitely no more women crying in the shower because their boyfriend raped them, no dumb jocs who's inner lives are easily described by the super bowl. No more presidents, no more senators, no more lying cheating bastards who live on graft, no more child molesters, no more hell, no more purgatory, no more gaping wounds, or bleeding sores. No more professors, no more cults, no more chrurches, no kmore crosses, or stars. I don't want to see anyone who listens but can't hear, and no one who sees but doesn't, or says they feel but feel nothing. There will be no mor doctors who think everything is physical, therapists who tink everything is physical, or scientists who think is everything is physical. No one wil thinks it's all in your head, and your back won't hurt, your feet won't itch, your groin won't itch and you'll never get pre menstrual syndrome. I'd say vote for me next time, but their won't be any voting. Come to think of it their won't be any God either. So what's left? That's whats worth saving. Most of it anyway. Recommendation: when making a beginning, start at random and let Chaos decide.

2002-02-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

2/12/02 5:00
Damn touchpads all to hell. I lost most of what I was trying to say. Look let's just start in the middle. The title. That's what I was talking about. Actually, let's start by saying that I owe my ex-girlfriend the creation of this site. I found her blog when I searched her first name. I'm not saying what that is. I also owe her some style. But back to the title. Basically I've always felt on the outside of life, and I have found that most of the people I truly love are the exact same way. It's hard being different. It's hard when you're reading The Kybalion and the rest of the world is reading Who Moved My Cheese?. It's also strange when I'm getting visions and mystic vibrations and they're getting a cheeseburger. I won't tell you the vibes I get from one of those. Although beef from a butcher does seem to have good energy. I digress. So if you are someone who has never really fit in, I'm writing this for you. If you think that feeling like an outsider is adolescent fantasy, (are you smart enough to think that?) then let's take religion as an example of what I mean. Most people don't care about religion. A little church goes a long way. One that doesn't pressure too much is best. If you are religious then you have a couple options. You can be a catholic, or a bible thumper, or something along those lines. People will think you're weird, but at least there will be other weirdos to hang with. Not me. I happen to be a poet who studies occultism, is a polytheist, believes in aliens, and you name it. Can you imagine trying to converse with your average person, (whoever that is) when you think Lucifer is the source of enlightenment? I could go on at great length and I will. But not today. What I want to say today is that I have a goal. If you have to walk alone, for whatever reason, I want this to help you. I don't know if I can but I'll try. There are lots of people out there that really need someone. Maybe I do too and that's why I communicate. You'll have somewhere to go to at least screw around a couple of minutes, if nothing else. Now, here's my recomendation. Go read Plato's Republic, and watch American Beauty. Trust me. More later.